


thought you were on my side (now there's nobody by my side)

by GirlOfSaltAndStars



Category: Leverage
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Minor Injuries, Misunderstandings, Multi, My babies need to talk about emotions, Not Actually Unrequited Love, POV Parker (Leverage), Post-Canon, Post-Case, Protective Eliot Spencer, Sleeping Together, Temporary Amnesia, like sharing a bed, mild head injury
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-07
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-04-12 02:04:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19122364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GirlOfSaltAndStars/pseuds/GirlOfSaltAndStars
Summary: Parker is fine with the fact that her memories from the last three months are missing after a job gone wrong. She is also fine after she learns her boyfriend broke up with her and is now dating their best friend. Yes, She is completely fine, thanks.akaamnesia is a bitch and we should talk about our feelings.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> title from "Don't let me down" by the chainsmokers. It doesn't really mater, I just listened to that while writing this. ihaven't really written anything in like a year so... here we are I guess. Feedback is appreciated guys! Enjoy!

Parker is fine.

Really, she is. It’s what she tells Hardison when he asks her how she is for what feels like the fifteenth time in the last ten minutes. It what she tells Eliot when he gives her the Look™, like he knows things (which he doesn’t, she’s fine). It’s what she told the doctor when he didn’t want her to go home (even if she wasn’t fine Parker was leaving the damn hospital) and it’s what she told Sophie and Nate when they called. Parker is doing fine. It’s fine that her arm is in a sling for the next four weeks and she has a high grade concussion. It’s fine that she can’t work in the field until then. It’s fine that she can’t remember the last few days. Or weeks. Or the last three months. 

Really, it doesn’t even matter, so she didn’t tell Hardison or Eliot. She can catch up on cases through some of Hardison’s old files and her own notes which are coded but thorough because that’s her job now (or, at least she thinks it still is). She can follow up on Alice White through Instagram and Facebook and whatever else Hardison insisted on giving her. She can find out enough without worrying anyone. It’s fine. It’s fine that she finds a dark, blank space where there should be three months of her life. 

And it is really, extra fine that apparently sometime in those three months Hardison dumped her and started dating Eliot. At first she didn’t think anything of it. Hardison still sat by her bed while he and Eliot explained what went wrong with the job, and why she was in the hospital. He still smiled at her like he usually did. He and Eliot took turns staying with her that night. She didn’t really notice the touches that lingered between them, or the longing glances until she woke up to the two of them kissing in the doorway to her hospital room. 

It took every ounce of willpower Parker possessed not to alert them to the fact she was awake. It took almost the same amount of will power not to cry when they finally left because damnit Parker wasn’t going to cry about something that obviously was old news. Parker is a world renowned thief. She is the master mind of Leverage Inc. She doesn’t need those two to worry about her and her stupid missing memories. No, there was absolutely no reason to bring it up. 

She is going to deal with it like an adult. She decides on the way home, watching the two boys throw not-so-subtle looks at one another, with the occasional worried glace at her in the back seat, that she cannot, under Any Circumstances, let them know that this thing between them is weird in any way. Because it isn’t. It’s fine after all. Fine. 

\-------

When they get home, Parker has a brief flash of fear that she would be asked to go back to her own apartment a block away (That she hasn’t slept in since… well Parker doesn’t know when that was and its fine.) but Hardison just leads her inside and dispatches Eliot to cook something for dinner. Of course they aren’t sending her home, Hardison will always worry too much or that, she thinks, and Eliot will insist on feeding her. 

Parker is so wrapped up in being Fine™ that she hardly notices Hardison is talking as they walk up to where they all live (Lived? Sleeps? She doesn’t know but doesn’t worry. It’s fine). She does notice however, that she is standing in the door of their guest room and if she wasn’t fine her stomach might have dropped as she tuned back into Hardison’s ramblings. 

“…Thought you might want to stay in here tonight. We figured it would be more comfortable for you, since we’d be close by, but it only has to be for a couple nights if you want. Whatever you want to do Parker.” And damnit, there’s that that earnest, awkward smile that Parker fell in love with. It must be such old news Hardison doesn’t even see how hard this is because staying own door down from her boyfriend and the man that they were trying to convince to join their relationship. 

Oh. 

“It’s fine Hardison.” Parker tries not to sound upset or angry, because she isn’t. She is just tired and has a head injury and Hardison’s ramblings are not helping. That’s it. There is nothing wrong as she steps into the barren room, no heart wrenching or stomach twisting. Nothing. “I’m fine” 

She must be more forceful than she thought because Hardison just raises his hands in a surrender like motion “Never said you weren’t, Parker. Try to get some rest. Eliot said it would be about an hour on food, just come on out when you’re ready? Or I can come get you? Or I can leave you if you’re too tired? Or-“ 

“It’s fine. You don’t need to get me.” Parker cuts Hardison off because she is fine but his rambling is still so annoying and her whole body hurts. She then shuts the door in his face and tries not to imagine the look on his face. 

\-------

Parker does not go to dinner. She does not go to sleep either. 

\-------  
Rather than do something as boring as rest, Parker takes it upon herself to learn as much as she can about the last three months. Her notes, thankfully are in the second place she looked, which was in a secret drawer in the guest room, under the extra pillows in the closet. 

She finds the last case she remembers and settles on the bed, ignoring any discomfort she might be feeling because that isn’t important right now and studies. Researches. Plans. She looks over every case from the last three months, all in detail in her nets and commits it to memory. Her notes are professional and detailed, and mentions every part of the con that when correctly and every part that went wrong. She ignores Hardison when he knocks on her door, only pausing long enough to listen to his footsteps echo down the hall. She searches her notes for any indication of when it happened (its fine she can’t seem to put it in words) but her notes, as always are purely professional. Purely the part of the mastermind she is. And it is totally fine when she gets to the end and finds that there is still a gap in her memories. It’s fine. 

It’s fine that she ignores Eliot when he knocks on the door two hours later. “Parker.” He calls through the thick door. Parker can hear the worry in his voice but doesn’t answer. She’s fine. She’s supposed to be sleeping after all. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, hears his footsteps pad softly down the hall. 

Parker is fine and there are certainly not tears building up behind her eyes when she finally, finally hears the boys go to bed. Together. Together while she sits in a blank room coming off of pain meds and tries to figure out when the boys decided that while Parker was a great mastermind (and based on this last job was she even very good at that?) she made a not so great girlfriend. While she tries to remember when they figured out they would be happier without her, (which she can’t blame them for because she gets it. She does. Even if she doesn’t know when or why anymore it's fine. She’s fine. )


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2! I suck at dialogue so apologies for that now lol. Also, if you wonder why Parker is 'overreacting' she's hurt, get pain meds in her system, is emotionally confused, and is scared because of a big memory gap. I hope you enjoy this!

When Parker wakes up the next morning she finds that she only slept a total of two hours. But it's fine, (more than she used to sleep anyway, all those years ago when it was only her and her money) so she showers and gets dressed. And despite how much her arm hurts she isn’t taking any more pain meds because they always make her feel spiny and out of control (and she will admit that isn’t fine because she’s the Mastermind and control has to be her thing) . She is dealing with it, because she loves Hardison and Eliot and they deserve happiness, even if it doesn’t include her. 

She leaves the guest room with two missions in mind- eat and act normal (and it's fine that Parker doesn’t even know what normal is anymore). She finds Eliot gone on his morning run (she always goes with him- or she did- is it because she’s hurt or did that stop too?) and Hardison neck deep in research for something he’s trying to develop. So Parker wanders into the kitchen, looking for food. Cereal. Cereal is the best food there is and it always, well even if it doesn’t cheer her up its tasty. The sugary, chocolatey good cereal that’s always in the cabinet with the bowls. 

Except it isn’t. She stands there staring at the cabinet that yes, still has bowls, and still has cereal but only healthy cereal that Eliot eats, with raisins and oats and stuff. There is not a single box of cereal that she would eat. Not one. It’s fine. 

She must close the cabinet harder than she intended because Hardison is there suddenly, asking “What’s wrong Parker? Are you ok? What-“ 

“I’m fine. I’m going out” Parker bites out, pushing roughly past Hardison, eyes firmly on the door (the door, the door, the door. She hasn’t ever felt this trapped in here- or maybe she has- but she just needs to escape right now.)

She ignores his increasingly confused and worried calls of “Parker? Parker? Parker!” as she blows through the door, not even bothering to grab a coat of the rack, escaping down the steps and out the door into the crisp morning air. She only ignored him because she needed space. She just needed a walk. Not because there was anything wrong or out of control. She is fine after all. 

She just needs a walk.

\-------

Her walk turns into a bus ride around the city, which turns into a bus ride to the airport. She wasn’t running. No, she was just… leaving. Taking a break. The city wasn’t big enough- everywhere there were memories of people that didn’t seem to need her anymore (not that there was anything wrong with that. It was fine). No- that wasn’t true. They did need her. She was a good mastermind. Great, even. She understood the con like the others couldn’t and always made sure they were as safe as possible. So they needed her. Just not her. 

And she would come back, when she was healed, but for now she could do her job just as well from Paris and she could Portland. So before she even gets on the second bus her phone is in the trash and the tracker in her shoe has been tossed into the back of a truck, and she's pulled a large chunk of cash out of her emergency fund even Hardison doesn’t know about. She isn’t too worried about the boys. Hardison can find her even without her tracker. 

So, she steals a hoodie form a douche at the airport and pays for three plane tickets, all to different places around the world, chosen by picking three flights at random and boarding the one closest to Paris. 

She wasn’t running. Really. She was just… getting some space. She needed a space and she was sure Hardison and Eliot needed space too, so it was just space. Besides she would only run if she wasn’t fine. And she is. 

She’s fine. She’s fine. 

\-------  
The flight leaves not long after Parker boards the plane, but the actual flight is long. She can enjoy the view at first, watching the world grow small. It’s like sitting on top of a tall building. Watching the world from such a height gives Parker a sense of Peace, of control. But that only lasts until they rise above the clouds and Parker is left with her thoughts and the snoring man beside her. 

So she thinks. She considers the memorized notes she found and the things she’d seen and looks for answers again. Maybe now that her head is clear and her mind is logical she can figure it out. She considers the kiss. The barren guest room. The empty cereal shelf. The conversation she had with Hardison in the hall. It’s all only evidence, she tries to convince herself. Only facts. Like parts of a con.

It’s fine that sometimes her stomach flips in a way that it usually doesn't on a flight. 

Hours later the plane touches down and she still doesn’t have answers. None. Parker thinks None besides the fact that they finally realized just how weird Parker was. How abnormal. How broken. The only answers she had were words thrown at her by foster parents and psychiatrists. Word that she hadn’t known the definition of, but certainly understood the tone in which they were said, 

She hadn’t ever heard it from them- not really. They thought she was weird but, but they had never said it like that. Never like that. But somehow they must have found out- seen under all her progress and acting like Alice. 

That’s the only answer she had. And it was fine. (Fine, fine fine fine, a voice singsonged in her head. It starts to sound like lie after a few repetitions and Parker tries to think any other thoughts.Like cake and money and lasers. Anything). The streets of Paris are loud and chaotic in the tourist sections- they always are- and Parker finds it easy to lose herself in the crowd, taking in the familiar sights (and just trying not to think for one second) and then she’s out of the crowds and has three wallets, two watches, and a necklace in pocket of her hoodie. 

When was the last time she let her fingers wander like that, mindless, thoughtless? It’s fine though.

(But if it weren’t it would be because this isn’t who she is anymore. Parker will always be a thief but pick pocketing strangers without realizing is a level of control she thought she had long mastered.) 

She doesn’t have any idea who the items belong to, so she drops them in the donation bin at the nearest church (and the metal of the necklace doesn’t suddenly feel like a hot iron, branding her hand with Parker’s long list of faults)

And she suddenly feels to wild, too restless still to go to her safe house and even though she cold and her arm hurts she’s had worse and roams the streets of Paris until nearly dawn. pretending she’s a tourist drunk on wine rather than think about what she really is.. Finally, when her body feels like lead and her arm hurts so bad she can hardly stand it, she awkwardly scales her fire escape (damn her stupid arm sling) and enters her apartment. 

Eliot and Hardison are waiting on the couch. 

\-------  
Parker isn’t surprised. 

Well, that's a lie. 

She isn’t surprised that Hardison managed to figure out where she was going and beat her there. She’s just surprised they came. And really, maybe she isn’t because of course Hardison did- he’s such a worrier (and Eliot hates it when she leaves without saying anything-or he used too anyway) , but she really wishes they hadn’t, because all of a sudden her apartment feels way too small. 

And then she realizes that Hardison is talking and she hasn’t heard any of it. “..we’re worried, Parker. You ran from us- all the way here, not that I couldn’t track you, I mean i put trackers in practically everything after we got home because I did not want a repeat of this week and that how I found you but still when your phone went offline, girl I nearly had a heart attack! I knew something was up but I figured it was the hit-” 

“What he’s trying to say, Parker,” Eliot says firmly, cutting Hardison a look, “Is that we want to know what’s wrong. And darlin’ I know something is wrong. Talk to us.” 

Hardison seems to realize.. Whatever Eliot's look meant because he suddenly turns serious, his expression earnest. “We just wanna help you Parker.” 

And that’s when Parker, thief extraordinaire, career criminal, and Leverage Inc’s mastermind, bursts into tears. 

She drops to the floor, her legs suddenly too tired to hold up her weight, because she isn’t fine, damnit, she isn’t and she can’t help it. And she only sobs harder when Eliot’s strong hands land on her shoulder, and Alec’s hands find their way to her back, rubbing soothing circles. Hardison is murmuring soft ”Hey, its okay. Let it out. Its okay.”s and Eliot is just there, strong and solid like he always is. 

She knows she should pull away or tell them to stop or something,but she can’t. It’s only been two days but she just can’t handle not having this and she isn’t fine. But, she knows that she can’t and when the tears finally slow she makes herself talk “I-I’m sorry.” she says weakly “I tried. I tried to be fine because you two deserve to be happy even if I don’t remember how it happened, but I’m not fine. It’s not fine!” 

Parker is practically shouting by the end, but she doesn't care. Everything is wrong and she doesn’t know why. But she doesn’t miss the look the boys share over her head. 

“Parker…” Alec starts, confusion obvious on his face, but Eliot cuts him off again. 

“What do you mean ‘Don’t remember?’”. His voice is firm but not unkind. Steady. Safe. 

Parker finds the words spilling out of her before she can think “I-I love you both so much and I’m sorry I know you broke up with me for a reason and I’m the odd one out, but I just don’t know why. I know I’m weird and broken and crazy but I just don’t get it. I-I just don’t remember anything. Nothing! Not a single thing from the last three months! And I’m so sorry I didn’t want to ruin everything, because I know you need my skills and me to run cons, but I didn’t want to cause problems, but I’m not fine.” 

There is a moment of heavy, stunned silence, in which Parker regrets ever opening her mouth because this is so much worse than any rambling. 

“What do you mean, broke up with you?” Alec asked, his voice… horrified? “ Parker, babe, no, we-we’re are all three dating each other.”

Parker doesn't say anything. She can’t. She physically cannot while her brain tries to understand what he's saying.

“Parker, darlin’ what he means is that you have both of us. You didn’t ruin anything because of being weird or anything else you dreamed up. Parker, we need you. Not your skills or anything else. You .” Eliot is earnest now, and serious like he is when he’s talking to a scared kid. 

And that’s not what she expected, so not what she expected, all she can do is cry again. 

\-------

Hours and many tears later, Parker is falling asleep nestled between her two boys (her two boys, what a mind blowing, heart warming though.) with the familiar weight of Alec’s arm on her waist and the new but comforting presence of Eliot on her other side. She isn’t fine yet- there are so many questions and a big gap in her memory, but laying there, with two people who need her she knows that she will be, one day.


End file.
